Mikey was feeling a bit overweight so he paid a visit to his doctor.  The doctor told him, “Well, Mikey following these directions and I guarantee you will lose at least 5 pounds by the next time I see you.”  Mikey was very enthusiastic, “Sure Doc, anything, anything just tell me.”  So the doctor told him, “I want you to eat regularly for two days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks and then come back and see me.”  So off Mikey goes and follows the doctor’s direction.

Mikey walks into the bar in Arlington and orders a drink, downs it really quick and orders another. Knowing his customer, the bartender knew that Mikey was celebrating something and it was serious, because Mikey was usually too cheap to buy more than one drink.  The bartender’s curiosity finally got the better of him and he asked, “Mikey, what’s going on, seems like you are celebrating something.”  Mikey looks up smiles and says, “That obvious huh . . . well I just finished a 50 piece crossword puzzle in less than 3 days.”  The bartender looks ruefully at Mikey and says, “so what?”  Mikey looks up at him, with pride in his eyes and says, “Well, on the box it says 3-5 years.”

Mikey and his buddy Bill are out hunting in the woods, when all of a sudden, Bill collapses. His eyes have rolled up inside of his head and he does not appear to be breathing.  Mikey grabs his cell phone and immediately calls 911.  “911 Emergency, What is your emergency,” the operator answers.  Mikey is gasps, “My friend Bill is dead!! What can I do?”  In a smooth and calming voice, the operator tells Mikey, “Take it easy sir.  First, let’s make sure he is dead.”  For a brief second there is a silence and then the operator hears a shot.  Mikey comes back to the phone and says to the operator, “Okay, now what?”

Mikey walks into a pet store a buys some gold fish.  He brings them home and then realizes he doesn’t know what to feed them so he calls his girlfriend.  She comes over and they go and buy some fish food. Mikey is all excited and he and his girlfriend hurriedly feed the fish, then Mikey turns to his her and says, “they look a little thirsty too, what should we give them to drink?”

Another time, Mikey joined the library and was excited to get his first book.  After browsing indecisively for hours, he finally decided on a big book and took it home.  Several days later he returns to the library and slams the book angrily on the counter.  He turns to the Librarian and says, “this book has too many numbers and characters and it was really boring.  Give me something more interesting.” The Librarian looks at the book and calls over her shoulder to her assistant, “hey, Ruth, you can stop the search, we’ve got our phone book back!”

Dumb Mikey Tries for the Nobel Peace Prize – February 16, 2007

Mikey decided to move out to a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field."

Dumb Mikey and the Arlington Police – February 16, 2007

An Arlington police officer stopped Mikey the other day for speeding and asked him very nicely if he could see his license. Mikey replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"